


sometimes i wish you

by orphan_account



Category: Hermitcraft RPF
Genre: Break Up, Implied/Referenced Sex, It's not explicit in any way though, M/M, Unhealthy Relationships, and I guess you have to kinda read for it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:34:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26560741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: It’s not enough to just love someone.
Relationships: hypnotizd/xBCrafted
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	sometimes i wish you

**Author's Note:**

> Hover over highlighted words. It doesn't work on mobile (with work skins on), but I think it should be compatible with a screen reader. If it’s not, I apologize. I can’t fix it now.

It was no shock when they told people they were dating. They’ve known each other since they started building, of course. It just made sense. It was the easiest thing in the world to go from “ _goodnights_ ” to “ _goodnight and I love you._ ” It fucking made sense that it was like that. 

He felt excited, like he was a boy again. He felt something, for fucking once when he wasn’t getting highs over stupid shit, over random people he doesn’t remember. But that doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter now, because he’s perfect, he’s perfect as hell and he means everything. It’s okay, because he feels something. He feels something! For once, and he knows he’s  beenbeing reckless but who the fuck cares?  He didn't care thenno one did and he doesn't care now, why should he? 

And xB, bless him, always being so far away from  everyone" _Even him?_ " the needy child in his brain asks and he always has to say, " _yes_ ," even him, he's entitled to nothing from him.  It's still everything he could've hoped for, in any amount. He was never hoping for this in the first place, so he finds himself even luckier. A lucky man! He likes the sound of that. 

He counts himself blessed, right? With someone like him, he has to be. There's not much else he could imagine himself otherwise. Without him? Nothing. It's very simple. 

But he's distant. He's distant and he has to quell his heart every time he wants to reach out because _everyone needs their space_. Even him! He can't always be around people, just like everyone else. Even when his ribs feel like they'll burst from something, if only he knew, when he's  lonely" _Lonely!_ " he emphasizes, to himself. Lonely is different from alone. It's okay to be alone, he reassures himself. Even if the two are always the same to him.  There were a lot of times when he _could_ talk to him when he was lonely! And he has other people to rely on, even if they didn't make him feel real like he did, but he needs to figure out how to do that on his own anyway. It's not good for him. 

xB is quiet, he always is but there’s so much more than that and of course he would know. He knows, he knows and he doesn’t need to be told what’s wrong. He needs to leave, right now, before he gets too emotional but it’s definitely too late for that, his chest feeling like  he’s been dipped in lavaHe’s felt it before too, _they feel the same_.  He wants to yell, he wants to fucking lose his temper for once but he couldn’t. Never to him. Never, never, never. 

He looks him in the eyes, _his eyes are so pretty_ , and he can’t fucking stand it. xB can do this, xB can take it but he fucking can’t. He fucking can’t, he’s feeling  so muchand _nothing_ all at once he’s going to pass out or throw up or something, onto those concrete floors that he spent ages building. It serves him right, but no it doesn’t, what fucking right does he have to do that? If he can’t even say anything then why does he bother? Just like him, assuming the worst when nothing happened. 

They talk as if it made sense and he feels like they're both saying something he can't understand. Neither of them could just sound like he remembers, could they? In circles, instead, was the way they went, himself saying the same over and over. As if it made sense! He's so frustrated that he can't say what he wants, and he doesn't even feel like he's talking to xB. Like someone completely different! Maybe he always talked like that and he was just too stupid to notice. It seems to be like that a lot. 

And what the fuck does he want him to say? He could go to someone, sure, but who the fuck would take him seriously? He’s _Hypno_ , for God’s sake. He’s Hypno and he, with his dopey smile and contagious laugh and bumbling attitude was expecting someone to actually give a shit. Someone would find out. Eventually. Whether he told them or xB told them or they guessed someone would figure it out and God forbid they ask him about it. Or xB. Fucking hell, someone would know. But for now, but for  _now_ He thinks that word with fucking ice in his heart. Now. What fucking bullshit.,  it was just  him" _And xB_ ," his mind nags him, as if he could forget and it feels  greatLike shit. 

He sits against the wall and the stone is cool against his back. He can feel it, though his jacket, though it doesn’t help that he’s already cold. The stone is cold against his back and then he’s crying. There’s nothing pretty or dramatic or beautiful about it — it is ugly in every way: in his feelings, in his sounds, in his face. He’s sobbing and screaming and he hasn’t been this loud in ages, not with anyone. He howls until his voice is hoarse and he knows he’ll regret it in the morning, but _fuck it_. Like it fucking matters. 

The morning is for mourning, he thinks, and he sounds like some bitchy, moody, teenage piece of shit and he can't fucking stand it. He can't fucking stand it because now he's feeling things, _again_ and this time he'd rather be dead than be in pain like this. What's the point of feeling anything if it's like this? He'd rather feel nothing  again.And somehow, _he is_ , and he feels insane for it. How's he supposed to reconcile feeling everything and nothing at once?

**Author's Note:**

> This is what we call projection. This is in no way indicative of how I really believe the Hermits to act. It is a fictional retelling of familiar feelings in a familiar shape.


End file.
